Thursday, April 15, 2010

Love Comes Gushing.......

A few weeks ago we began to feel it. You know, that overwhelming sense of love. The kind of love that you just can’t help, that doesn’t hinge on experiences or success, but is just there. The kind of love that doesn’t have to be chosen but comes naturally. I believe strongly that to love someone, you have to choose to. Not that there aren’t times when love comes gushing in a way you wouldn’t expect, but when that doesn’t happen, choosing to love can be as strong a bond as the love that gushes. When we decide to love someone, whether that is through marriage, adoption or friendship, there are times when the love is a choice, and there are times when it comes naturally.

When we first saw the pictures of our son, love came gushing. There was something in all of the expectation that allowed us to love him at first sight. We stepped on the plane and our expectations were high. The love that we had was finally able to connect with the baby boy that we were so excited to meet.



It is a strange feeling meeting your son for the first time at six months old. Not a bad feeling, just a strange one, one that neither of us had experienced before. We didn’t know what made him happy, what made him upset, how he liked to be tickled, what types of toys were his favorite, what each cry meant…. This made him unfamiliar to us. He had a great personality from the beginning, so lovable, sweet and adorable. I had a hard time understanding why love wasn’t coming naturally. So we chose it and held on to the knowledge that it just takes time. My acts of love toward Johnny remained the same. I held, cuddled, kissed and whispered sweet things in his ear. Every once in a while I would feel the urge to run over, sweep him up and give him a kiss, feeling that uncontrollable love for him for an instant. Then I would go back to choosing to love, holding on to these fleeting moments.

These first months home were really hard. It may have been going from one to two children. It may have been having a 6 month old baby boy in our home that we did not yet know. It may have been the lack of sleep. It was probably a little of each. Each week John and I would check in with each other. Does it feel natural for you yet? No, but seems to be getting closer….maybe. Do we feel like a family of four yet? No, but each day seems a bit more “normal” than the last.

And then it just happened. That overwhelming feeling of love just started to show up on a regular basis. That feeling that our family would be incomplete without our sweet and joyful son was there. It wasn’t there because we chose for it to be, it was there because it was just there. We know that there will be ups and downs but are so glad to be over this first hurdle.


I am so glad that I am part of the blog world. Reading other families journeys is what has allowed me to sit back and wait. Not that I didn’t have some panic days. The days that were really hard. The days that the lack of sleep and the strange feeling were overwhelming. But on these hard days I had other families to look to for support. Some right in the middle of it, some having come out on the other side singing the praises of an attached and wonderful adoption, and some just at the beginning of their journey reminding me how excited we were and how sure we were that this was what God had for our family.



Tomorrow we will hit the three month mark. It has been three months since Johnny arrived home, met his sister and became part of our family. His personality and love for us has blossomed as quickly as our love for him. We are so thankful he is a Pell. He is ours and we are his.

12 comments:

Stephanie said...

I absolutely loved reading this and loved your honesty. It's good to know these things...the tough stuff that people don't talk about in casual conversation...especially since I hope to adopt one day :-)

I'm so happy you have come to that point! Your family is beautiful and I love hearing about what's going on.

Jenny said...

what a great post! i'm so happy that it's feeling more natural now. i know it's got to be so strange meeting this child and not knowing his personality and then parenting him! it's good to know that the weirdness of it all fades :-)

JonesEthiopia said...

I remember how strange it felt at first to parent a stanger-baby with both my girls. I think I was in love with the IDEA of both of them when we got their referrals. Meeting them is an entirely different thing! Lots of emotions go along with that, and weirdness and what-do-I- are two of them. I also remember falling in love with both of them. And how amazing it is!!

Are These Kids All Yours? said...

So happy for you!!! How normal your feelings are, and so happy that you are feeling more settled- with gushing love!!!!

shauna said...

I know exactly how you feel.... and its amazing when you're just hit full-on with it. Yay...

Lee & Stacey said...

I think you should link this post or put it on your adoption blog too. It is good information for those who are getting info. on adoption. Glad things are going well. You'll have to come visit us in our new "house" soon!

Lindy said...

Happy for you, Sarah!

Amanda said...

Beautiful post Friend...you absolutely had me bawling with love and pride. I'm so happy for you guys! Johnny and Emma look like pure delight:)

Kamille Corrina said...

thanks for your real heart on this. I think it's so hard when we don't feel love for the very beings who are called to be our children. And I know adoption is completely different from bearing the child, but I know I felt similar things when Cadence was born to what you were feeling. It was hard to see where this new child fit in with our family of three; but, that said, not downplaying what you & John have gone through. Thank you for sticking with it & loving out of obedience. I'm glad God has been faithful to you two--you're such great parents.

Karen & Brad Hernke said...

Thanks for sharing your story. I have heard from other friends and bloggers that the first few months feel strange and all of a sudden the puzzle just comes together. Amazing how God works!! SOOO happy for you all. Love the Easter pics too. Thanks for sharing.

God Bless,
Karen
Adopting 2 kiddos from ET
www.hernkekid.blogspot.com

Jessica Lauren said...

Good Evening! I recently stumbled upon your blog while researching adoption topics, what a wonderful discovery. I have started a new phase in my adoptee process and would love your support and words of wisdom. I am new to the international adoption reunification process and have reached out to the world wide web for guidance.

I can be located at http://jessicaforeign.blogspot.com/, this is a new journey and a wonderful time in my life to explore. Please join me!

MamaMimi said...

Sometimes love comes softly. Thank you for being honest with your feelings. It makes me feel better prepared for the changes our family is facing.